We found out 5 weeks ago that we were expecting another cutie to our family. We have discussed this potential addition for about three years. I was so undecided about whether it was wise, if I would cope with the lack of sleep and potential PND. At the beginning of this year we made a decision to give it a whirl. No pressure, just an attitude that concluded that if two kids are fabulous, then a third child would be a definite bonus!
It took around 8 months, and I took a test really early. Five weeks ago I was flabergasted when I saw the two lines that change your heart forever. We decided to keep it to ourselves and wait until a scan and then tell the lads. I was so excited about seeing their faces!!
I had that scan on Tuesday afternoon. I was just so insanely eager to get home and tell the boys. That was all I was thinking about. Never had I imagined I would not be telling the boys anything. It was a full bladder abdominal ultrasound. I loved seeing our baby who looked just like a bean. Measuring at 7weeks and 3 days. But there was no flicker. No sign of a heartbeat. The technician looked at me and told me this pregnancy was not “viable”. She then went to talk to a doctor and I used the bathroom. When she came back and repeated the scan on my abdomen, I asked her if she would consider an internal ultrasound. Perhaps its just too early, I said. Her response was, “No, these measurements should give us a hearbeat. We have protocol to follow.”
Then the humdinger. She actually asked me if the baby was planned or a surprise. Seriously, why would you?! Planned.
I could not get out of there fast enough. I got home, after a huge cry and tried to pull myself together before I faced the lads. And then I saw them and it hit me in a whole new way, what miracles they are. How much has to WORK in order to actually receive the greatest gift. New life.
My emotions have been all over the show. I felt numb for the first few days. The last few days I have been tired, dazed and pretty useless around here. I have no energy to engage with people. I am not answering my parents phone calls. I avoided my mother in law’s birthday lunch today.
Now I wait. I wait to see if the miscarriage occurs naturally. I don’t think I will grieve until this ordeal is over. How can I grieve when I still carry my unborn child around with me, with no physical sign that there is anything wrong?
My heart goes out to all women who have lived this. There are so many. We just don’t recognise the pain as it is so often a suffering of silence.
So as I sign off today, there is the tiniest glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, our baby is alive. But then my head kicks into gear and remembers the facts I was so clinically presented with on Tuesday. I can only wait, and in the meantime continue to be reminded that I am incredibly blessed, and how relieved I am that we were able to protect our lads from this sense of loss.